Building a village means showing up even when it feels hard, says Esther Perel

Many parents will agree with the saying "it takes a village to raise a child", and yet they're often doing it without one.

That's according to Esther Perel, psychotherapist, author and host of the podcast Where Should We Begin?

"It's not out of nowhere that we suddenly, all over the West, are talking about the loneliness epidemic," says Perel.

"People don't meet in person. People don't party. People don't host. People don't just work remote — they live remote.

"We are deeply aware of the de-socialisation that is taking place."

And it's not just parents who are suffering without the support of a village, Perel says.

Data from the latest Household, Income and Labour Dynamics in Australia (HILDA) Survey indicate socialising rates have dropped over the past 20 years, and, more recently, have not returned to pre-COVID frequency.

"People are disconnected; people are gradually more and more socially atrophied."

But building and maintaining a village doesn't just happen. It takes effort. It means being courageous and vulnerable. It means showing up even when it feels hard or inconvenient, says Perel.

ABC podcast Ladies We Need to Talk spoke with Perel about finding connection in the modern age.

These are her words.

How we replaced our village with one romantic relationship

I think [the loneliness epidemic] is in part, due to individualism. We left villages, we left communities, we moved to the cities.

We became a lot more free and a lot more alone.

We began to bring one romantic relationship to the heart of our life. That romantic relationship became one person who was supposed to give us what once an entire village used to provide.

One person was going to give us the feeling of belonging, of community, of continuity, of identity.

He was going to be my best friend, my trusted confidant, my passionate lover, my intellectual equal, my co-parent, et cetera.

And then we began to realise, 'Wow, this party of two, that is supposed to become like a welfare state of its own, is crumbling under the amount of expectations'.

We all know that overall health is determined, not just by our physical health or even our emotional health, but by our social health.

Meaningful relationships are at the core of overall health.

Why strong connection takes accountability

What is currently overly emphasised in relationships is, 'Does it suit me? How do I feel about it?'

it's very much determined by individuality.

What is missing is accountability. Accountability is the things that I do for you. It doesn't matter if I feel like it, if I like it, if it suits me, if it does me any good.

I'm just talking about duty and obligation to the wellbeing of others and that I am part of a larger network of connections.

And as part of that network, and as part of receiving that sense of belonging, I do things for you.

It involves acceptance and being seen and being a part of. [It also means I] owe things to other people. Not just what do they do for me.

If I say 'I'll come', I come.

And that's not just etiquette, that is part of the thread, of the knots [that form connection].

I don't just flake on you because I don't think that it really matters.

How we can build and nurture our village in the modern world

The modern village is often chosen. That is the fundamental difference [between historically and today].

That's a physical choice [often based on proximity]. But it is also chosen in sharing activities, sharing hobbies.

It's also a parenting group. It's people who often meet together to go through certain phases of life.

That is where there is a commonality, and a shared experience and a shared reality.

You like biking, you like hiking, you like rock climbing, you like pottery, you like vinyl records?

Just go find a group near you and join on the basis of something that you share.

There is an interaction, there's an activity that mandates interaction and trust and connection on the basis of the activity.

[In the midst of a medical crisis in our family I knew I needed support] and I created a WhatsApp group.

That group became an entire sustainability system. It existed on four continents. It checked in every day.

There were the people who cooked, the people who did transportation, the people who took care of all kinds of things that we didn't have the time to take care of.

I had written, and particularly my husband, he has written a ton about collective resilience, but we had actually never fully, fully lived it. And here it was.

When you do for others, you actually also feel important. You feel that it matters. You feel relevant. You feel that you're part of something that isn't just you.

No shame in seeking help

There's nothing to be embarrassed about in saying I want a more robust group of people.

If I say to people, 'I want to go eat', and I admit I'm hungry, we don't think that that's vulnerable.

But to say, 'I think that I've spent too much time focused on my work, or I've been moving a lot from one city to another, and therefore there's too much disruption in my social fabric.'

Or 'I've been taking care of my ailing mother for the last two years, and I really have lost connection and I want to bolster my circle', is a wonderful thing to do.

It is health incarnate.

The quality of your relationships will determine the quality of your lives.