Women are lonelier than ever. It's putting their health at risk

Sandy recently celebrated her 50th birthday with a glass of champagne, alone.

"It was very hard not to be upset," says Sandy, from Brisbane/Meanjin, who asked we don't use her real name.

"[I was] also feeling embarrassed and that sense of shame that I'm 50 and I'm at a bar by myself."

Sandy's husband had accepted an opportunity to work overseas during the week of her birthday.

"Besides my son at home and my son who called me from overseas, no-one really said anything [and] I didn't feel I could ring anyone.

Despite a picture-perfect marriage from the outside, Sandy says she feels lonelier than ever.

And the research shows many women feel the same way, with one in three Australians saying they often feel lonely.

ABC podcast Ladies, We Need to Talk, considers why, in a hyper-connected world of group chats, and being only a few swipes away from a hook-up, we are lonelier than ever.

Loneliness linked to shifts in identity

Australia's loneliest demographics are those aged 18 to 24, and 45 to 54.

"In Australia, we're predominantly a Western culture, which is quite an individualistic culture and that's pretty terrible for loneliness," says Bella Ingram, a clinical psychologist at the University of Wollongong.

Dr Ingram says loneliness often comes about when people are undergoing shifts in identity through life transitions.

For Sandy, that's her kids growing up.

"I'm at a point now where the boys don't need me very much … I'm sitting here going, what do I do now?"

Whether it's navigating a career, divorce, perimenopause, illness or empty nesting, there are many life transitions where women may experience loneliness, says Dr Ingram.

"A woman who's sort of trying to navigate a career path, for example, and also trying to navigate parenthood, and perhaps [being] a carer for elderly parents as well — there's a lot of roles in there.

"Trying to figure out where there's time and space left for social relationships, that often falls by the wayside."

She says women may be asking themselves, "How am I going to progress?" or "What's next for me?"

"These questions can really play into our sense of identity, which then can then play into, 'Do I belong?'"

Quality not quantity of relationships

As her boys have grown older, Sandy has noticed a growing distance with her husband.

"He's not someone that shows emotion or will give you a hug, and sometimes I just crave that."

She also finds making deeper connections outside of her family, such as close friendships, difficult.

"At times I can't figure out why, because I do think I'm pretty easygoing. I'm easy to get along with. I am so social, but for whatever reason, it just hasn't happened."

Dr Ingram says even when people are surrounded by others, it's the quality of relationships that reduces loneliness, not quantity.

"Having shared values, not just kind of hobbies, but actually really being able to connect with someone and walk away from that connection and be like, 'That's my person'."

'How come I don't have that?'

While social media can provide connection, for many, it can also be a comparison trap, exacerbating someone's feelings of loneliness, says Dr Ingram.

"[That] accessibility of information can be really difficult when it comes to loneliness because … you see something and think, 'How come I don't have that? What am I doing wrong?'"

That resonates with Katrina (not her real name), who says being at a different life stage to her peers contributes to her loneliness.

The 35-year-old from Sydney/Gadigal Country says most of her friends are married with children, while she is childless and single.

She says weekends often "end in a cry" when she's home alone with her dogs, while her friends are busy with their families.

And even when she does get time with them, she's reminded of what she doesn't have, but wants.

"I feel incredibly lonely, even when I'm out with them and they don't have their kids."

Katrina says while it's not always smooth sailing with relationships, she would like a partner to share her life with.

"Even though I know it might not be great, or they might disappoint the crap out of me, I just want to try it again.

"I was in a relationship when I was in my early 20s and then it ended and I've not had a connection with someone like that for a long time, and … I would like that again."

Loneliness and our health

Loneliness is a health issue with a mortality risk comparable with smoking and "worse than obesity", says Dr Ingram.

"We know that people who are lonely tend to experience poorer physical and mental health.

"Also, it's the people that might also have existing mental health conditions or existing physical health conditions that are more likely to experience loneliness."

Dr Ingram says loneliness increases our risk of cardiovascular disease.

"When we're lonely, we might be more likely to drink alcohol. We might be more likely to binge eat, to comfort ourselves. And all of these kind of behavioural risk factors … are also really big contributors to heart disease."

A big part of Dr Ingram's research is around women's drinking and loneliness. She says women are increasingly one of the highest consumers of alcohol in Australia — particularly middle-aged women.

"These are also the women that are reporting feeling more and more lonely."

Dr Ingram says women report using alcohol to "fill a void", which then becomes a habit.

One person can't meet all our needs

Making connections can be hard and takes "self-compassion and bravery", says Dr Ingram.

"It's about persistence, too. Navigating knockbacks can be really tricky — that's a really big barrier to being able to connect with other people."

Personally, Dr Ingram gives herself permission not to have a big social network, but a quality one.

"I'm going to have different needs met in different places. So I have some needs met with my work relationships.

"With my husband, I have a lot of needs met. But he's not interested in talking politics with me, that's for friends.

"Then I walk away from those interactions feeling full, feeling valued, feeling recognised, and competent."

Katrina is trying to combat her loneliness by enrolling in a course she's interested in, taking boxing classes, and going on dates.

Sandy is committing to being more honest about her loneliness, and hopes other women can too.

"We don't acknowledge that there is loneliness in the world, and there's loneliness within marriages, and that it's OK to feel that way."