Snicko circus distracts in Adelaide as Australia sends England sliding towards Ashes oblivion
On a 40-degree day in Adelaide, fan-forced and with nowhere to hide, it takes something special to provoke a person to spend an afternoon in the blistering sun.
The returning Pat Cummins could be one such justification, as brilliant and comforting as we remembered him. Nathan Lyon on his home deck, which happens to be a bit of a turner, could be another.
But that's not what they came for on day two of this Test. In their tens of thousands they flocked through the gates, hurried to their seats and ignored the risk of heat stroke for a glimpse of the hero the day.
- As it happened: England struggles in the Adelaide heat
- Quick hits: Bazball bust-up and the Goat passes Pigeon
- 'Absolute shambles': Players baffled as DRS madness takes over third Test
- Scorecard: Check out the full scores and stats for the third Ashes Test
Technology. The Decision Review System. The Snickometer, or Snicko to its mates. Frame-by-frame images of depth-erasing, indecipherable nothings.
This may well have been the day that Australia confirmed it will win this Ashes series in style, but that felt like a B-plot to the actual story. The cricket was forgotten as the circus came to town.
The sense of English indignation was palpable on the ground well before the first ball of the day, their noses tweaked by the overnight news there had been a DRS technology error that spared Alex Carey on day one.
That revelation, which had the remarkable side-effect of prompting the exact same "void series" joke out of every human with a UK passport, was a perfect storm for England.
It was an avoidable mistake by a faceless individual behind Snicko, whose motivations could therefore be constructed in any which way, and it featured Carey, who despite being one of the most gentle and inoffensive men to ever play for Australia, will forever remain on England's list of enemies.
The tourists could hardly believe their luck when another semi-controversy emerged, again involving many of the same characters. A classic case of 'did it carry?' could only be solved by dozens of close-ups of Carey's gloves and a blurry ball, each somewhere in the vicinity of the grass, each more useless than the last.
By the third one, everyone was heartily sick of it. The Jamie Smith non-dismissal was high farce, somehow the best of the first two all in one.
Snicko seemingly botched it again, with an obvious glove going undetected, before round two of the carry game. There was a suggestion the third umpire had deemed Usman Khawaja's effort at first slip a fair catch, in which case it is rather a good thing the Snicko failed, as it seemed relatively clear the ball had bounced.
Smith survived, but Snicko was not to be denied.
By this point everybody on the field, in the third umpire's booth and at BBG Sports — who must be madly pining for 48 hours ago, when nobody had ever heard of them — was thoroughly and heartily rattled.
Umpires and players didn't see eye to eye for much of day two. (Getty Images: Robert Cianflone)
Smith had begun to go the tonk, and when a ball passed through as he attempted another wild pull shot, Carey and Cummins each seemed convinced that one had been edged too.
Umpire Nitin Menon, seemingly panicked, didn't make any decision at all. Neither Cummins or Smith asked for a review, because you can not reassess a decision that has not been made.
Menon asked the third umpire to have a look under the pretence of a check for a fair catch. Carey had taken the ball six inches off the ground, so there was little to check on that front, but it did allow Snicko another chance to shine.
And lo, there it was. A murmur! Not a spike or a prick or a line, but a murmur.
That this murmur came within a frame of the ball passing the bat — as for whatever reason international cricket is still filmed using the same camera used by Abraham Zapruder, so blurry frames are as good as we can do — was enough to do for Smith.
He may well have been out, just as Carey may well have been out the afternoon before, or as Joe Root may have been out before lunch, or as Smith himself may have been out 15 minutes earlier.
Some mysteries are never meant to be solved, and so the never-ending and ultimately futile search for umpiring perfection continues.
What is clear is that Snicko is not fit for purpose, and having lost the trust of all involved with this series will surely need replacing at the soonest possible convenience.
Alex Carey appeals for the catch of Joe Root, which was eventually given not out. (Getty Images: Mark Brake/Cricket Australia)
On the balance of the four technological misfortunes, England probably came out on the wrong side as the Carey blunder on day one was the decision most likely to have been incorrect.
But excuses are handy for England at the minute, as it edges ever closer to a series defeat in double time.
Excuses are more comfortable than the realisation England has burned four years and at least three major Test series in preparation for this. They are more palatable than admitting the guiding principle of this team, which may have had humble and noble beginnings, has spun out of control into kind of pig-headed hubris that has swallowed the team whole.
Excuses are a distraction from the fact England has not yet faced Australia's best side on this tour, not even close, and has still been played off the park.
England's mission on this day was clear. It had to bat until stumps and well beyond, cooking the Australians in the sun and making the most of what is a friendly pitch to bat on.
Pat Cummins continued with his fantastic record against Joe Root. (Getty Images: Robbie Stephenson/PA Images)
But there was no cohesive plan as to how to achieve that. Some came out swinging and eventually fell to good balls, while some others reluctantly defended and eventually fell to good balls.
Ben Stokes has faced a million balls for not many runs over his past two innings, batting in a fashion that none of his teammates are either capable of or aware they are allowed to. There is a disconnect between captain and his charges — if you were generous you would say Stokes is trying to lead by example, if you were more critical you could say he is only protecting himself.
England has pulled off a small handful of incredible results under Brendon McCullum, and as such it is always afforded the luxury of "you never know". To believe England can get back in this game though would be to ignore all logic, which is precisely how England got itself in this mess to begin with.
Australians will revel in what appears to be imminent in Adelaide, but there were genuine and well-placed hopes that this summer would rival last in terms of competitive and engrossing cricket, and to that end we have been let down.
This summer we had hoped we were going to get an Ashes series to remember, but instead we just got England.