When parallel parenting might be needed after separation

When you don't get along with your child's other parent, or it isn't safe to interact with them, parallel parenting can help "create space".

That's according to Gabriella Pomare, a family lawyer and co-parenting coach.

"It's for those families where communication between parents is just too hard, too heated, or unsafe."

Unlike co-parenting, Ms Pomare says parallel parenting is when each parent takes responsibility for their time with the kids, with minimal interaction.

"It's a way of lowering the temperature while still making sure kids get to have both parents in their lives."

There are pros and cons to the arrangement, says Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists.

Knowing what those are can help parents and caregivers decide if it might work for their family. While for others, they may not have a choice.

When parallel parenting might happen

Parallel parenting often occurs after a high-conflict separation, or where there has been family violence and safety must come first, says Ms Pomare.

"Sometimes it's just two parents who clash over absolutely everything — discipline, school, even bedtimes

"In those cases, parallel parenting is a circuit breaker.

"It stops the constant fighting, gives children predictability, and allows parents to step back from each other while still showing up for their kids."

Ms Dober says parallel parents have a "pragmatic approach", with very limited contact, their own routines, and own ways of raising the child or children.

Whereas co-parents have a collaborative approach, and sometimes even a warm relationship with each other, where there is a high degree of communication and interaction.

While conflict or safety issues may prompt parents to adopt the parallel approach, Ms Dober says some may simply want that distance.

Ms Pomare says for some families parallel parenting is temporary: "Just a bridge until things settle and parents can communicate better."

But for others, especially where there are safety issues, Ms Pomare says it might need to be long-term or even permanent.

Examples of parallel parenting

Ms Pomare has worked with families who have adopted parallel parenting, including one couple who couldn't be in the same room at handover.

"Their fights were so intense that their little boy would cover his ears and cry.

"By shifting to a parallel parenting model, where one parent dropped him off at school and the other picked him up, they removed that flashpoint.

"He no longer had to witness the arguments, and he flourished because of it."

In another case, both parents insisted on being at every school concert, but couldn't sit near each other "without tension spilling over".

"The school finally arranged separate seating: Mum in the front row on the left, Dad in the front row on the right. They weren't co-parenting side by side, but they were still showing up for their daughter."

Parallel parenting and abuse

Silke Meyer is a professor of social work at Griffith University and says parallel parenting is often used "because there is no other option" after domestic and family violence.

"Parties parallel parent because engagement with the other party beyond what's absolutely necessary is usually detrimental to the party, and the abusive or narcissistic party uses any contact to abuse, gaslight, and undermine the protective parent."

Professor Meyer says while "ideally" there will be safety mechanisms in place that ensure some oversight of what's happening when children spend time at an abusive parent's home, it's not straightforward.

"In reality, we know that most separating parents never come in contact with the family law system to put safety parameters in place, and where victim-survivors do engage with the system to protect their children, the system often fails them and forces children to have an ongoing relationship with an abusive parent.

"In an ideal world, children wouldn't be forced into ongoing contact with an abusive parent until that parent has engaged in and demonstrated a significant behaviour change that allows co-parenting and safe parent-child contact."

For support, people can phone 1800 RESPECT. If someone is in immediate danger, contact triple-0.

Ms Dober recommends parents who want to keep things as distanced as possible adopt the B.E.N. model to support wellbeing. That is:

• B: keep all communication brief and where necessary utilise mediation or other professional allies to support getting information to and from one another.
• E: keep it emotionless when and where possible, ensuring it is informative and reduces the likelihood of arguments.
• N: keep it necessary. Times, dates, places you'll be to pick up and drop off, and medical information is in the necessary category, Ms Dober says for example.

How it can help

Ms Dober says typically what is good for the parents is good for the children, so when they are less stressed and anxious, so are the kids.

"If there is tension, children can sense it, they are smart and perceptive."

Parallel parenting can also reduce the conflict children are exposed to, Ms Pomare says, which allows them to relax and enjoy being with each parent.

"When it's done well, kids feel protected. They don't have to hear the fights or carry the stress of being in the middle.

"And parents can focus on their own relationships with the child, without worrying what's happening in the other home."

Ms Dober says then both parents can raise their child or children in a way that is "really unique and fulfilling, and authentic to them".

Things to be mindful of

Children might notice the rules are different between homes, explains Ms Pomare, for example, bedtime at one parent's home might not be the same at the other.

"That can be confusing, but the key is for parents to avoid criticising each other and just focus on keeping their own home calm and stable.

Ms Dober says families may also experience judgement for their parallel parenting style.

"It can be tricky when schools or other family members or people in the community don't understand it and interject with what they think should be done."

She says parallel parenting should be respected, especially when someone is doing it for safety or their own mental health.

And she encourages parents to speak honestly about the set-up with their kids.

"Talk about it in a very open way where kids can ask questions about why this is happening.

"If they can understand it and know everything is OK; mum and dad or mum and mum are just trying to look out for them."

Ms Pomare says "the biggest gift" of parallel parenting is giving children the chance to love both parents freely, without being pulled into adult conflict.