Relationship experts on the signs that it may be time to call it quits

When a relationship is not going well, knowing if it is better to end things does not always seem clear.

"People are often in a state of ambivalence or uncertainty for a long time — the should I stay, or should I go?" says Kassandra Mourikis, a sex and relationships therapist in Naarm/Melbourne.

She says they may go back and forth between a motivation to leave and reasons to stay.

Others might have an "ah-ha" moment and realise things are over, says Sian Khuman, a consultant psychologist and couple and family therapist.

But because "separating often isn't the easy answer", there can still be a delay between knowing the relationship is no longer sustainable and ending it.

"Even without children, and much harder with children, it's a painful process, financially hard to do, and often complicated."

So, what can help you decide if it's time to separate or divorce?

Reasons a relationship might be at its end

There are many reasons for relationship breakdown, including breach of trust, poor communication, emotional distance, lack of validation, and sexual dissatisfaction, explains Ms Mourikis.

She says that while "relationship norm violations", such as cheating or financial infidelity, may lead to an abrupt ending to a relationship, other issues may persist over a long time.

Regular themes Ms Khuman sees couples struggle with are "how to love and be loved", inequity in household and caring duties, and time.

"There is my time, your time, family time, children time, one-on-one time, downtime, [being] out time," she says.

"It's when those things become out of kilter that the couple are really thinking of whether it works to be together or not."

Ms Khuman says when the possibility of separation or divorce has been raised between a couple, the security and stability of the relationship decreases.

Signs your relationship might be over

Indifference or ambivalence

If you're feeling ambivalent about the relationship, or are not really present, that may be a sign it's reached the end, according to Ms Mourikis.

"[It's] an indifference where people are checked out or shut down or withdrawn.

"Someone might say, 'I don't really care anymore. You do whatever you want.'

She says people who feel indifferent might have begun to prioritise other things in their life, for example, work or other relationships.

Ms Khuman will often ask couples to indicate how willing they are to work on the relationship using a percentage scale.

She says anything under 50 per cent can mean there is an unwillingness to repair, improve, or change the relationship.

"There is very little we can do in a couples therapy context" to help in that instance, Ms Khuman says.

High conflict and distress

When a relationship is in crisis, you might be feeling distressed, agitated, or dis-regulated, says Ms Mourikis.

"Feeling highly stressed perhaps means they are not coping very well."

Ms Khuman says high conflict and constant fighting can cause people to be in a place of reactivity, where everything is read through the history of challenges and hurt.

"Which makes it harder to solve problems."

Sometimes a couple may need some space to reset before trying to work on the relationship, Ms Khuman says, if that's the path they ultimately choose.

The Four Horsemen

Relationship researcher John Gottman says he can predict the demise of a relationship by the Four Horsemen, which are the presence of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

"If you see that in a couple as their primary mode of interacting, then he says there is a high likelihood you can predict they will divorce," Ms Khuman says.

But if there's a willingness to work on the relationship, they can be overcome, she says.

Differences in core values or personality

If you're noticing a clash in personality, values or beliefs, you may begin to think the relationship isn't salvageable, says Ms Mourikis.

They might think "I didn't realise at the time they would do this thing that would be grating on me" or "I didn't see it at the start, but now I'm seeing them in this way", she says.

"This is a time to self-reflect and really connect to what you want.

"Sometimes that takes a bit of time."

Not enjoying their company

Things may be headed south in relationships where the friendship element has reduced, or you're no longer enjoying the other person's company, says Ms Khuman.

Ms Khuman says some couples don't have a lot of conflict or issues, but one person, or both people, just don't want to be together anymore.

"Sometimes that is the hardest call, because there is no instigator or trigger point to say the relationship is over now."

Questions you can ask yourself

Facing the end of a relationship can feel hard, says Ms Mourikis, which is why many delay making a call.

"A lot of people will sit in a relationship for a very long time … and they'll just continue going along, because to say something to challenge it, or end it, feels harder than it does to keep going."

In deciding if a relationship is done for good, she says it can be helpful to reflect on a few key things.

"Notice, is there anything I'm going along with, or that I'm tolerating that I haven't spoken up about yet but is impacting me in this relationship?

"The tolerating is quite a useful indicator — what is not OK here, but I haven't really tuned into?"

There may also be something that has occurred that you've been holding onto, that doesn't feel OK or wasn't supportive, she says for example.

If so, you may need to talk to your partner about it or get more support elsewhere, such as from a counsellor, therapist or psychologist.

She says people should also ask themselves, "What do I want to experience that's different from how things are going, and is that something that is possible to change while still in the relationship?"

Ms Khuman says making the call to end a relationship is tough, but sometimes the dynamic just isn't working anymore.

This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent advice in relation to your particular circumstances.