Relationship feeling a bit stale? Here's how to hit refresh

We hear a lot about spring cleaning at this time of year, but it's not just your home or wardrobe that might need a refresh.  

Our relationships can often do with some attention too, says Zena Burgess, CEO at the Australian Psychological Society.

In marriages and long-term commitments especially, Dr Burgess says it's easy to let things "drift along".

"Things might annoy you, and you let them go on, and it gets difficult," she says.

"The idea of a spring clean for the relationship is taking stock, taking some space with your partner to talk about what is working, and what isn't."

So how do you "spring clean" a relationship?

Where to start

Couples should take some time to sit down and talk about where they are at, suggests Isiah McKimmie, a couples therapist and sexologist based in Brisbane/Meanjin.

"Really look at what has been going well in the relationship, and also, what do they want to improve on in the season ahead?"

She has six questions she will often have couples go through when it's time to check in.

They are:

1. What have we been doing well together lately?
2. What would we like more of in our relationship?
3. How have I been a good partner for you recently?
4. Is there anything you need to feel more loved and supported by me?
5. What have we been enjoying sexually recently?
6. Is there anything you would like more of sexually — or is there anything you've been wanting to try?

"Some of these questions need some therapeutic support, depending on where the couple is at," Ms McKimmie says.

"Going through the questions should feel connected and supportive. If they end in an argument, it's probably a sign [you] need support."

Dr Burgess says examples of concerns that might need addressing include imbalance in child care and household duties, lacking emotional connection, and trust issues.

She says The Gottman Method talks about four factors, called The Four Horseman, that lead to relationships deterioration and potential failure.

They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Learning more about The Four Horseman and the positive behaviours to counteract them can act as a guide to couples wanting to hit refresh, Dr Burgess says.

Small acts to reconnect

Date nights

While having date nights might "sound cliche," Ms McKimmie says it's about injecting playfulness and positivity into the relationship.

"It's a good opportunity to do something different," she says of reintroducing novelty.

Dr Burgess says date nights are about quality time without distractions and provide the chance to build emotional intimacy.

"It's really about the space for meaningful conversations, and having them while not multitasking.

Sharing new experiences can create opportunities for fun, she says.

Affection and gratitude

Small gestures of affection go a long way, says Dr Burgess.

"Just something to show you are thinking of the other person."

Showing appreciation, such as saying thank you, is something we often forget to do in a relationship, she says.

Ms McKimmie says you can start by improving small rituals, like the way you say hello and goodbye, such as enjoying a six-second kiss.

"Or set aside even 20 minutes each day just to talk about how your day was, and what is going on for each of you."

Active listening

Dr Burgess says couples need to be curious about one another and really listen to what the other person is saying.

Often we stop listening to our partner properly because we assume we know what they are going to say.

"What it comes down to is, as wonderful as intimacy and connection is with another person, it leads to complacency," author and journalist Kate Murphy previously told the ABC.

Goal setting

Ms McKimmie says setting goals together can help bring you back together.

"It can help you feel like a team and have something to work on together."

Relationships take work

Relationships need consistent effort to thrive, says Ms McKimmie: "They don't just take care of themselves."

She says many couples who come to therapy have been dealing with their issues for a long time.

"We know that it takes couples an average of seven years from when they are experiencing challenges to when they reach out for help."

Dr Burgess says people often fall back into old habits, even when trying to improve things in their relationship.

She says it's important we get curious about our own behaviours and why we do the things we do, and also be curious about the story behind our partner's actions.

You may need the support of a therapist, psychologist or counsellor to do that.

Dr Burgess says acknowledging nobody is perfect can help shift your expectations.

"You might have thought [your partner was perfect] when you first met, but they are just human.

"Be grateful for who they are, not for who you wish they were."