Taking care at Christmas when you're childless not by choice
Feelings of grief around childlessness can be heightened during the Christmas period. (Pexels)
Having reached her mid-30s, Kara is constantly reminded of what she doesn't have, but so desperately wants.
Kara is childless not by choice, and says with most of her friends having entered parenthood, celebrations and holidays like Christmas are some of the hardest times for her.
"I can't escape it," the Adelaide/Tarndanya local, who asked we don't use her surname, says.
"Feeling lost and wondering where I fit in. No partner, no kids. The realisation that I don't really belong anywhere."
Judy Graham from the Gold Coast/Yugambeh language region is a counsellor and grief therapist working with women who are childless not by choice.
She says because Christmas isn't just one day, but a significant part of summer holidays, people are bombarded with social events and advertising featuring happy families.
"It's an endurance event for childless people," the 53-year-old, who identifies as childless by circumstance, says.
And because there can be lots of misunderstandings around the grief of childlessness, family and friends might not always understand the pain it causes.
"You might be fine one Christmas, but the next there might be new babies in the family, or pregnancy announcements," Ms Graham says.
"That can throw us off course and really trigger our grief."
Christmas triggers for childless people
People's parental status is a focus any time of year, but can be heightened at Christmas, Ms Graham says.
People might be seeing a lot of loved ones, including those they may not otherwise engage with.
"If you're going through infertility or wanted to have children and it's not working out [for whatever reason], it can feel like you're really in the spotlight," Ms Graham says.
Kara says managing other people's feelings when they ask unknowingly loaded questions is exhausting.
"[At social events] the question on everyone's lips is 'Are you going to be having kids soon?'
"It's quite difficult to answer them. It's what you want, but you're not in a position to be able to do that."
When people are past those "reproductive years", the challenge of being childless at Christmas may morph into something else, Ms Graham explains.
"Family and friends often expect us to be over the grief and push it aside and be happy."
She says some people will find it hard to be around children excitedly opening presents, for example.
"That can just feel really incongruent with our experiences."
Others may feel a mix of joy and grief, and some — like for Kara — can find it helpful.
"Sometimes I find that really comforting … seeing their excitement and joy, in those small doses," Kara says.
"They want you to be involved with them, they want you to play with them — just be with them. Sometimes that's really nice."
Reclaiming Christmas and making your own traditions
When childlessness was a "raw issue" for Ms Graham in her 30s and 40s, she withdrew from family and social events.
"They were overwhelming, so I stepped off the traditional Christmas for a lot of that time. I went travelling, camping — I went away with friends."
Craig Bowler and his partner decided to stop IVF in recent years. He says he's still working through the transition of trying to have a baby to moving forward without one.
"This is an isolating way to experience life. Common feelings are jealousy, sadness, and anger," the 37-year-old from Brisbane/Meanjin says.
"These feelings get in the way of relationships with family and friends
"In amongst the shame and disappointment and grief, there is this feeling of being forgotten."
Craig and his partner have trialled different ways of spending Christmas since stopping IVF. (Supplied)
He says the Christmas holidays now feel different.
"Where there was once excitement and wonder, now there's a constant thought — what would this moment be like if we had a child to share it with?"
The couple have trialled different ways of spending Christmas while dealing with the pain of childlessness.
"One, we spent a Christmas by ourselves, where I hesitate to use the word isolated, but that's what it is.
"You isolate yourself and protect your mental health."
They have also spent Christmas with family, but found that "extremely difficult", Craig says.
"We're quite lucky in that both of our families to an extent respect our privacy, but there is still a degree to which our families can't quite grasp why we would want to isolate ourselves.
"And why [we] wouldn't be happy with suggestions to just pour ourselves into being an aunty or uncle."
He says the dynamic has changed, at least for now, "and that's OK".
"We love our family and friends, and I hope that one day we find the strength to be more involved in their lives."
Ms Graham says as years have gone by, she has been able to "reclaim Christmas".
"There was a time where all the things I wanted to do with my children [I was hopeful for] around Christmas, like baking and crafting and all the trimmings that come with Christmas, those things felt too painful.
"But now they are things I really loved about Christmas, and I'm reclaiming them in new ways."
Judy Graham says she has been able to "reclaim Christmas" after avoiding it when her childless grief was most raw. (Supplied)
Tips for managing childless grief at Christmas
Set limits on social interactions that might be triggering
If certain people or situations make you feel upset, make a plan for how you engage, Ms Graham says.
"It might that it's OK to give yourself permission to say no to some events … or even have an exit plan and let the host know you can only stay for a certain amount of time."
It's something Kara has embraced.
"I've started to realise that you don't have to miss out on everything, but you don't have to go to everything either."
Make time for you
Kara says she spaces out her interactions, to ensure he has time in-between to decompress, and do something for herself like going to brunch or walking along the beach.
Tell people what you need
It can help to stay connected to people who feel supportive during this time, Ms Graham says. (Adobe Stock)
For those that feel up to it, Kara says expressing what you need from your family and friends during this time can help.
Stay connected
For people who are not in relationships or estranged from family, Ms Graham says they may need to find the balance between withdrawing to safety, but maintaining some connections.
"That might be leaning towards chosen family, or connecting with people in similar situations.
"It might be if you're at risk of being alone at Christmas time, consider volunteering."
Concentrate on your own life
Craig says staying off social media helps him.
"There's bound to be people posting images of their kids, unwrapping presents. The best thing is to concentrate on yourself and what makes you happy.
"It could be returning to an old hobby, or as simple as pouring yourself into your relationship if you're lucky enough to have one."