What to know about going low or no contact with family

Family dynamics can be complicated, and going 'no contact' is one approach gaining traction online.

Cutting contact has become prominent on the popular Reddit thread, "Am I the asshole", where people ask whether they are at fault in a conflict.

"In the past, duty and obligation might have kept people at least turning up to major festivals or birthdays, really obligatory events," says Elisabeth Shaw, Clinical Psychologist and CEO of Relationships Australia NSW.

Low contact vs no contact

Going no contact typically refers to the intentional cutting off of all forms of communication and interaction with a family member, says Catriona Davis-McCabe, President of the Australian Psychological Society.

"Sometimes it's used when people are trying to establish clear boundaries between them and their family, or potentially, they could be trying to protect themselves from harm that they perceive is happening because of their family," Dr Davis-McCabe explains.

Low contact, on the other hand, refers to maintaining limited or controlled communication with family members. For example, by reducing the frequency and intensity of interactions.

Neither term is clinically accepted by psychologists, Dr Davis-McCabe points out, but rather a phrase that has arisen online and in the media over the last few years.

What drives people to go no contact

Ms Shaw says cutting contact comes up often when people are seeking support with family issues. In most cases, it's the result of poor communication and high levels of conflict.

"There might have been … particular events, or a pattern of poor and unresolved conflict, where people have maybe had a 'final straw' moment, or a major blow-up, from which everybody retreated, and they just haven't come back together," Ms Shaw says.

In some instances, contact has been cut due to abuse, betrayal, domestic violence or a general lack of safety within the family.

When it's a matter of emotional or physical safety, cutting contact can be a good solution, Ms Shaw says.

The decision to cut contact is often driven by a combination of factors, such as self-protection, mental health or unresolved emotional conflicts, Dr Davis-McCabe says.

"It often involves weighing up the benefits of self-protection against the costs of severing ties, and it takes a considerable amount of reflection."

Sometimes having children inspires a person to cut contact, she says.

"Families can really be entrenched in patterns of dysfunction, and these can sometimes be passed down through generations.

Not the perfect solution

Whether going no contact ends up being helpful or not is different in each situation, Dr Davis-McCabe says.

Whatever the reasons behind the decision may be, it's best to consult a mental health professional or a psychologist before making such a big decision, she says.

"The decision to cut contact with family is really complex, and it's a deeply personal process," Dr Davis-McCabe says.

Seeking professional support can also be helpful if a family member has gone no contact with you, though it's important to respect their boundaries whether you agree with them or not, Dr Davis-McCabe says.

Ms Shaw says most people don't feel that a family conflict has been resolved by cutting contact.

"Rarely have I seen people truly resolved and satisfied with it, outside of issues of abuse or violence, where people have made a deliberate decision that it is unsafe (emotionally or physically) to be involved with family or there's a level of betrayal that they really believe is beyond repair," Ms Shaw says.

If you've stepped back from family several years or decades ago, the other parties may have since then developed new skills or a different attitude, Ms Shaw says.

This is general information only. You should consider obtaining professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.