Domestic violence spikes around Christmas and New Year. Here's how to support loved ones

When Kate's ex-husband was threatening to kill her, someone was listening.

"My neighbour — who had become a very dear friend — heard him being verbally aggressive," the 39-year-old from NSW recalls.

"Once she heard him leave, she sent me a simple message saying 'Are you OK?'" 

Kate (not her real name) says that message saved her life.

"I had never spoken of what I had been through with my partner to anyone, but I … proceeded to tell her everything."

Kate's ex had been psychologically and physically abusive through much of their 15-year relationship.

Her neighbour drove Kate to the police station, where she filed for an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO).

The Christmas and New Year period is a time when there is a sharp increase in rates of domestic and family violence, explains Jenny McNaughton, the deputy CEO and executive director at Berry Street, an organisation helping families who experience poverty, violence, and abuse in Victoria.

For this reason, she says it's more important than ever to be looking out for family and friends — and, like in Kate's story, our neighbours too.

We take a look at the signs someone you care about might be experiencing intimate partner violence, and how can you best support them.

Why violence increases around Christmas time

There is a lot of pressure and expectation around Christmas, explains Ms McNaughton, and not all families get along.

There are also financial demands, and with the rising cost of living, many families are feeling extra stressed. Alcohol and other drugs can also exacerbate violence, Ms McNaughton says.

Australian crime statistics and police data show there are significantly more domestic and family violence incidents across the end-of-year holidays than other times during the year.

For example, Victoria experienced 111 per cent more family domestic police incidents on New Year's Day in 2019, according to data collected by family violence organisations.

And specialist services share year after year that December and January is their busiest time.

"We are seeing an increase in demand, and absolutely cost of living is impacting our most vulnerable families more than anyone," Ms McNaughton says.

It's also when safe spaces such as work and school are closed, along with services like those that facilitate safe changeovers for parents who have separated, explains Carolyn Self, who is the business development manager at Engender Equality, a not-for-profit that supports people affected by family and domestic violence in Tasmania.

"Nearly every separated family will do a changeover on Christmas Day, but because the contact centres that make those changeovers safer are closed, those families have lost a protective mechanism," Ms Self says.

Signs of abuse

Spotting signs of abuse that isn't physical is sometimes difficult because perpetrators can be intentional in how they hide their behaviour.

And we still have a way to go in understanding emotional and psychological abuse. For example, an ANROWS survey found only two-thirds of Australians believe repeatedly criticising a partner to make them feel bad is always domestic violence.

At Christmas lunch with family or a New Year's Eve celebration with friends, signs you might see include a loved one walking on eggshells.

"You picture Christmas Day and imagine the chaotic environment that creates, there may be more of an opportunity to see some of the red flags," Ms Shelf says.

"There will always be a child who spills a drink, or a dish that gets burnt, or child having a tantrum, or someone arguing; they are those typical things that happen during a Christmas situation, and it's often reactions to those happenings that can be really pertinent signs."

Other signs someone is experiencing abuse in their relationship could include:

• They are being put down, spoken to disrespectfully, or ordered around
• They disclose not having access to money, or control over their own spending
• Their phone use is being monitored
• They seem less confident or happy
• Their partner is controlling or restricting their interactions with others.

What you can do to support loved ones

If it feels safe and possible to do so, Engender Equality CEO Alina Thomas says you can try to interrupt or call out the behaviour.

Challenging behaviour and attitudes that perpetuate violence against women sends the message you will hold that person to account.

It can be a difficult line to walk, however, with Ms Self warning confronting an abuser can lead to the "victim-survivor going home that night and being punished" for your actions.

Only you can judge the situation and the dynamics between those present.

"We would encourage people to be courageous and in some way interrupt what they've seen, but it's important the witness maintains their own safety," Ms Thomas says.

While calling someone out can feel uncomfortable, she says we need to get used to having those difficult conversations.

Ms McNaughton says because it's primarily men that perpetrate violence, it's especially powerful if men in the room call it out.

More important than interrupting the behaviour is checking in on the person who it was directed towards, away from the potential perpetrator, says Ms Thomas.

"That process of validation can be a supportive moment for them to disclose what has been going on."

From there, you can encourage them to reach out to support services, like 1800RESPECT.

If someone is in immediate danger, call triple-0.

Kate says even though she was "terrified" of her ex-husband, knowing someone wanted to help her "meant everything".

"She was a huge part of making sure I was safe from that moment on.

"As embarrassed as you feel sharing what you have been through and the fear that people won't believe you, I did not experience that at all in confiding in her.

"I could never have felt more love at the time I needed it the most, and will be forever grateful to her."